For Now, for Always Read online

  When she discovered she was pregnant, Lacey had ieft Denver for St, Louis, reasoning that it was one of the few cities in which Neil had no influential connections. Later, she had deliberately chosen to make her home in this small town in southern Illinois. It was the last place he would look for her. This was where he’d grown up, the town he had left at eighteen to make his way in the world he already viewed with cynical eyes. His painful memories of this place would guarantee that he wouldn’t return here, she’d thought, and as the years slipped away she was proved right. She’d been safe.,. until now.

  For a desperate second or two her brain tried to deny the proof in front of her: it must be another Neil Hartman; he surely wasn’t the only man in the world with that name. But a calm, quiet voice inside her rejected the idea at once. It was her Neil all right, and once she’d accepted that fact she took a deep breath, feeling a curious mixture of dread and relief. It was sudaenlv clear to her that she had always known this day would come. It was inevitable that she would face him again, confronting the ghosts of her past. At least now she could do it from a position of strength, and for that she was thankful. He had once stripped her of every thing—pride, self-respect, a home, and her reputation. He had thrown her out with only the clothes she was wearing, two hundred fifty dollars and a wallet full of credit cards he knew she wouldn’t dare use.

  Lacey looked around her office and was comforted by what she saw. Through her own efforts she had gained back her self-respect, and there was no way he could take it from her again. She slowly placed the paper with his name on it under a bronze paperweight she’d received from the Chamber of Commerce for her leadership in the downtown renewal project. It was only a matter of time. Any day now, he would walk into this office and back into her life. And when he did, she would be ready.

  It happened sooner than she’d expected-Vi and Ellen left at four-thirty, their usual time, still laughing about Royal Sawyer’s latest request. Lacey stayed on to do the necessary research for that policy. What would he think of next, she wondered, smiling.

  As long as there was someone in the office, the front door was never locked, and she looked up in faint irritation an hour later when the soft “ping” of the electronic sensor told her someone had come in. Now what? It had already been a long day, and she wanted to get through the rest of this paperwork before she had to pick up the boys. She started to rise from behind her desk, then froze as a deep male voice calted a question from the outer office.

  “Anybody here?”

  For the last hour Lacey had blocked all thoughts of Neil, but the unforgettable sound of his voice brought a rush of panic, making her knees go weak and her stomach lurch sickeningly. She quickly got a grip on herself and took a deep, steadying breath before walking to the door, fiercely reminding herself that he no longer held the power to hurt her.

  He was in partial silhouette, half turned toward the clock on the wall as he checked it against his watch. When he caught her movement from the comer of his eye, he turned, and their gazes locked.

  Despite having been forewarned by Ellen’s message and having heard his voice, Lacey reacted initially with shock when she saw him. He looked twenty years older, instead of eight. The thick hair she remembered as being an attractive mix of salt and pepper was now a solid gunmetal gray, and there were deep grooves chiseled from his nose to the corners of his mouth and between his shaggy eyebrows. They, at least, were still black, she noticed. He was thinner, too, by at least twenty pounds, and instead of the burnished mahogany complexion she remembered, there was an unhealthy pallor to his skin. He looked ill, she realized in amazement. She could never remember his being ill; he refused to even admit to having headaches like everybody else. He was watching her, his unusual eyes registering first a blank bewilderment and then incredulous shock. “Lacey?”

  He said her name hesitantly, his voice little more than a hoarse whisper.

  She forced a cool smile to her lips. “Hello, Neil.”

  There, it was done. She had come face to face with him, and she hadn’t fainted or gone into hysterics or fled in terror. Her breath came a little easier as she stood to one side in the doorway. “Why don’t you come into my office. I’m the only one here right now.”

  He seemed frozen, utterly stunned, and she realized that Ellen must not have mentioned her name over the phone. Incredible as it seemed, he apparently hadn’t known she was here. It gave her the advantage, and she decided to use it before he somehow managed to wrest it away from her.

  “Coffee?” she offered as she turned to reenter her office. She didn’t wait to see if he would follow.

  She was pouring two mugs of coffee from the drip machine when the fluorescent ceiling fixture threw his shadow across the cabinet and up the wall almost to the ceiling. Resisting the urge to move away from him, she turned and held out one of the brown mugs. He hesitated before taking it, and as she started to move toward her desk his free hand came out to fasten on her arm.

  Lacey looked up. Even in her heels, he topped her by several inches, she saw confusion and uncertainty mirrored in his eyes. She glanced pointedly at his restraining hand, watching his fingers tighten a fraction, as if to assure himself that she was real and not just a figment of his imagination. But when she pulled away he let her go, and Lacey hid her relief. For just an instant, when the pressure of his hand increased, fear had spiraled through her.

  “I understand you’re interested in the Miller property,” she said with an air of cool politeness and professional interest, putting the desk between them to settle gracefully into her upholstered swivel chair.

  “You knew I was here.” It was a flat statement, quietly spoken, but Lacey sensed a challenge, almost an accusation, behind the words as he lowered his long frame into the chair across the desk.

  She tried not to be rattled by his tone and the intent way he was staring at her. as if she’d suddenly appeared before him in a puff of smoke. She supposed it was a pretty fair analogy, at that.

  “One of my secretaries told me about your call when I got back to the office this afternoon,” she told him, still polite but businesslike, and watched surprise flicker across his lean face.

  “One of your secretaries?”

  “Yes. There are two. I own this business,” she added in clarification.

  She was well satisfied when his surprise turned momentarily to amazement and then to a guarded sort of respect. Lacey forced herself to endure his continued scrutiny without blinking or looking away. How often had he turned that cool, assessing gaze on her in the past? He had the knack of concealing every thought or emotion behind an impassive mask, while those unusual, all-seeing eyes made her feel laid bare to the bone. But although that look had intimidated her before, now it did not. She picked up her mug and took a slow sip of coffee, her eyes never breaking contact with his, her hands steady, and she saw his mouth lift slightly at one corner.

  “I see.” He smiled, then sipped from his own mug. “Have you been here all along?”

  “Almost—for the past six years. Did you come to discuss the Miller farm?”

  She could see that her cool composure irritated him. His eyes glinted and his mouth thinned as he banged the mug down on her desk.

  “Forget about the Miller farm!” The sudden harshness in his voice didn’t surprise Lacey; she’d expected it, been waiting for it. She shrugged and rose from behind the desk.

  “I didn’t really expect you’d be seriously interested,” she said calmly, “That place isn’t quite up to your usual standards. But if you’d like to look through our other listings—”

  Before she could finish he was around the desk, his fingers digging into the flesh of her upper arms, his face tight with anger.

  “How can you sit across a desk from me and act like I’m just another potential customer!”

  Lacey met his blazing eyes without flinching. Her voice was cold with contempt when she answered, “Because that’s all you are.”

  His hands tightened
convulsively, “Lacey, for heaven’s sake.. ..” His voice was thick, the words choked as he abruptly lowered his head to her.

  Lacey panicked. His hands, his voice, the glittering intent in his eyes, all instantly transported her back to the last time he’d touched her, almost eight years ago. With a vicious wrench, she broke away from him, putting the width of the room between them.

  “Don’t touch me, Neil! Don’t you ever touch me again I”

  One of his hands jerked as if to reach out for her, but then he dropped it to his side. His face once more assumed it’s hard, inscrutable mask.

  “All right. Why did you come here, Lacey? Why here?”

  With some distance between them, she regained most of her composure. “I thought it would be the one place you wouldn’t think to look for me,” she answered flatly.

  Neil’s lips compressed as her words sank home, and then he pushed his hands into the front pockets of his slacks with a heavy sigh.

  “We have to talk,”

  “There’s nothing to talk about. Nothing, Neil!” she repeated emphatically, “I don’t know why you came back here, and frankly I don’t care. But it has nothing to do with me.”

  A frown flickered across his face. “If you mean because I didn’t know you were here, that’s true. But now—”

  “Now, nothing! You just happened to stumble across me after eight years. Don’t think that gives you any rights, Neil. It doesn’t!”

  It was an effort to keep her voice steady. The bitterness of all those years was pushing up inside her, but Lacey was afraid of what might happen if she gave vent to it. The memory of how violent he could be was stilt strong enough to make her stomach knot in apprehension.

  “If I’d known you were here, I’d have come long ago,” Neil retorted, his voice tight.

  The muscles in Lacey’s throat contracted sharply at what she took to be the threat behind those words. “You think I don’t know that?” she asked bitterly. “I told you, Neil, that’s why I picked this place to live. I’ve built a life here, a whole new life, a good life.”

  “And there’s no room in it for me—is that what you’re saying?” he asked harshly.

  “That’s exactly what I’m saying, Neil,” Her voice shook slightly, but it was with anger, not fear. The fierce answering glitter in his copper-colored eyes told her he’d read the emotion accurately,

  “Damn it, Lacey, you’re still my wife!” he said between clenched teeth.

  ‘That’s an unfortunate situation, which can be easily remedied,” she retorted coldly.

  He sucked in his breath, and for one panic-stricken moment Lacey saw rage narrow his eyes. Then he visibly forced himself under control, his hands balling into fists at his sides.

  “Are you involved with somebody else—some other man?” he demanded in a barely controlled voice.

  “That’s none of your business, Neil,” she told him calmly, confident that he wouldn’t dare do anything to her here. She wanted to show him she wasn’t as easily intimidated as she’d been eight years ago. Still, when he took a step toward her, it was all she could do to keep from backing away. But she stood her ground defiantly. She wouldn’t back into a corner like a frightened child! She wouldn’t give him the satisfaction!

  “Lacey, I asked you a question.” His voice had gone dangerously soft. “Is there another man in your life?”

  Hysterical laughter bubbled up inside her as the twins’ faces flashed across her mind,

  “Not just one,” she said without thinking, and saw his face whiten with anger and shock.

  “You’ve changed,” he muttered in harsh accusation.

  “You think so?” Lacey retorted. “Considering what you once accused me of, you shouldn’t be surprised, Neil. You surely didn’t think a little tramp like me would have spent the past eight years living like a nun? Or maybe you thought i’d never be able to tolerate a man’s touch after you finished with me? Sorry to disappoint you, Neil,” she said with a derisive little smile, “but you didn’t quite manage to kill the woman in me.”

  He turned away so she couldn’t see his face. “Lacey,” he began huskily, “about that night—”

  “No!” It came out choked with anger. “I won’t talk about that. Not now, not ever!”

  Neil turned to her again, his face once more stoic and unreadable. “Yes,” he said with typical arrogance, “we certainly will talk about it. But not here. Get your purse. I’ll take you to dinner.”

  Lacey bit back her furious reply and gave him a cool little smile as she shook her head. “I’m afraid I’ll have to refuse your charming invitation, Neil. I’m having dinner with two soccer players tonight,”

  “Three.”

  Lacey turned toward the door in surprise. Paul was standing there, looking relaxed and completely at ease in shorts and sweat-dampened T-shirt that read: “Soccer.. .it’s a kick in the grass.” How long had he been there, she wondered as he grinned lazily.

  “I invited myself,” he added when she just stood staring at him. “We voted to have pepperoni pizza,” His eyes flashed reassurance as he said, “We were just on the way to order it.”

  Lacey felt her taut muscles suddenly go slack. She had no idea how much he’d heard, but he’d apparently decided to pretend ignorance of the highly charged atmosphere and the scene he’d just interrupted. The boys must be waiting in his car, and a shuddering relief made Lacey’s throat go dry as she realized he could have brought them inside with him.

  “Do you want extra peppers?” Paul asked casually, giving her an extra couple of seconds to collect herself.

  “Don’t I always?” she replied lightly. Then inspiration struck, and she went to pick up her purse and withdraw her house key. “I’m almost finished here. Why don’t you go on to the house, and I’ll meet you there.”

  When Paul came to take the key, she saw the puzzled question in his eyes. They flicked to Neil, standing stony faced and rigidly silent beside Lacey’s desk, and his mouth curled in an apologetic smile. “I hope I have not interrupted anything important?”

  It was clear he expected her to introduce them. Lacey’s voice and manner were stiff as she did, and Paul’s nod had a look of satisfaction as he offered his hand. For a moment Lacey thought Neil would refuse to take it, but then he did. From the look on his face, she pitied Paul’s poor fingers.

  “An unusual coincidence, yes?” Paul’s accent could have been cut with a knife as he gave her an innocent smile. “That you both should have the same name.” He unexpectedly leaned over to kiss Lacey lightly on the cheek and warned her that if she took too long getting home she might not get any pizza, and then left.

  After he’d gone the tension in the room grew palpably. Lacey quickly tidied the papers on her desk, then switched off the lamp. She had no intention of staying in the same room with Neil any longer than she had to. Taking her car keys from her purse, she looked up to find him watching her, his eyes hooded.

  “What’s the asking price for the Miller property?” he asked abruptly.

  Lacey’s mouth fell open in surprise, “Sixty-five thousand. But don’t try to tell me you’re actually considering—”

  ‘I’ll have a certified check on your desk first thing in the morning,” he said curtly, then turned on his heel and strode out of her office.

  CHAPTER TWO

  “He is the boys’ father, isn’t he?”

  They were in the family room downstairs, sipping Chianti. Paul lounged on the sofa, and Lacey sat with her legs drawn under her on a plump floor cushion. He had waited until the pizza had been eagerly devoured, then waved to them as the twins pedalled their bikes up the biock to a friend’s house. Now that they were alone, he brought up the subject that had been on both their minds.

  Lacey’s smile was wry. “You saw him. If I denied it you’d know I was lying. Yes, he’s their father, but he doesn’t even know they exist.”

  Paul frowned at her. “How can that be?”

  She sighed. Of course he was curious,
just as a lot of people would be curious if Neil really intended to buy the Miller farm. That had been worrying her ever since he’d walked out of the office. He never did anything without a reason, but try as she might, she couldn’t begin to guess at what would make him buy a rundown farm miles from town.

  “Lacey?” Paul’s voice intruded on her thoughts, and she turned to him in resignation.

  “When we.. .separated, I was pregnant, but neither of us knew it,” she explained, then smiled again at the expurgated version of the story. Put like that, it sounded almost romantic.

  Paul leaned forward, his wineglass held in both hands. “But you had parted badly, in anger, and you didn’t want him to know,” he surmised accurately. Lacey nodded and sipped at her wine. “But Todd and Scott are seven now. In all this time, have you never considered telling him he is a father?”

  “Never!” Then, because she realized how harsh and bitter that had sounded, she shrugged and added, “We weren’t in contact with each other. Until today, I hadn’t seen or spoken to him in aimost eight years.”

  Paul’s eyes narrowed in shrewd speculation. “And now you are wishing he had not come back into your life at all,” he said softly. “What did he do to you, Lacey, to make you hate and fear him so much?”

  “I don’t hate him, and I certainly don’t fear him!” she denied quickly. She frowned and made a vague gesture with her glass. “There’s no reason to be afraid of him now.”

  The last word told a whole story in itself she realized, and instantly wished it unsaid. But it was too late. Paul’s gaze softened in concern as he joined her on the floor. He set his glass on the cocktail table and quite easily and naturally slipped an arm around her shoulders to draw her against him. He wasn’t making a pass, Lacey knew, just offering comfort and support. Whether it was the strain of seeing Neil again, or the wine, or both, she suddenly needed what he was offering. She let her head settle on his shoulder gratefully.